Inspired by Charles Bernstein’s wonderful poem ‘Dear Mr. Fanelli’, I wrote an epistle.
Dear… should I call you
God?
You go by so many names,
it’s hard to say
which is right.
Might I call you God?
Good.
Dear God,
Category: Laughter
Toilet talk
For all the women who, like me, spent an unhealthy proportion of their twenties queuing in girls’ toilets in various clubs and bars across London.
He’s got a penis like a pritt-stick.
Oooh, is that lipstick?
Ah babe, can I borrow it?
Thanks love. Your tits
look bangin’ in that top.
Girls, chop chop in there!
…
From His Coy Mistress
A riposte to Andrew Marvell.
I’ve always loved Andrew Marvell’s lusty poem ‘To His Coy Mistress’ in which he shamelessly seeks to persuade a young woman to acquiesce to his carnal desires.
But I have also always felt it deserved a response from the young woman’s perspective – especially given it was written in the 17th century long before birth control or feminism – so here goes – enjoy!
…
A young man called Fred
I feel like we all have a Fred in our lives. If we don’t, it’s probably because we are that person.
This poem is based on true events and should serve as a warning to anyone who proves impossible to lure out of bed in the morning – hangovers excepted:
There was a young man called Fred
Who regarded awaking with dread,
He could not, of his own accord, EVER get out of bed.
…
An ode to Tom, Lulu and Gary – on the eve of their wedding
Inspired by Roald Dahl’s classic children’s poem The Tummy Beast, this was written for my friend Tom, whose stomach has a such a demanding personality of its own he named it Gary. In marrying Tom, for better, for worse, his wife Lulu also agreed to a life with Gary – this seemed worthy of a rhyming verse or two:
I may surprise you when I say this,
And doubtless you will take the piss,
But Tom is not a greedy man,
…
Life in poems 