Inspired by Roald Dahl’s classic children’s poem The Tummy Beast, this was written for my friend Tom, whose stomach has a such a demanding personality of its own he named it Gary. In marrying Tom, for better, for worse, his wife Lulu also agreed to a life with Gary – this seemed worthy of a rhyming verse or two:

I may surprise you when I say this,

And doubtless you will take the piss,

But Tom is not a greedy man,

Who’ll forsake all for scones and jam,

And chocolate biscuits, crisps and sweets

And all manner of naughty treats.

He’s really the abstemious sort,

Who would chose water over port,

And salad over pie and mash,

And veggies over corned beef hash.

In fact, we all must pity him,

As he reaches for the toffee tin,

And the girl he’s about to marry

For she’ll also be wed to Gary.

And this, my friends, is Tom’s terrible curse,

– a heavy burden on his purse,

A monstrous, growling, grumbling thing,

Which makes poor Tommy’s tummy sing,

Demanding an enormous dinner,

And banning him from getting thinner.

For Gary lurks deep in Tom’s gut

And whispers words of greed and smut,

He spends his every waking hour

Devouring snacks both sweet and sour,

He’s run up hundreds on bar tabs

And always orders a kebab.

He’s up before the dawn to scream

For just a few more custard creams,

He gave Lulu the most awful fright

When he woke her up one night

As Tom lay nestling on his pillow

Limbs as floppy as a willow

Sleeping peacefully as Gary roared

“Get up Luisa, I’m peckish and bored

“Your useless boyfriend won’t wake up

“And I’m in need of a second sup

“So pop into the kitchen dear

“And bring us back some ham and beer

“Then pour it down wee Tommy’s gullet

“Or I’ll pound his stomach like a bullet

“And keep you up until the dawn

“Which won’t make for a pleasant morn.”

So poor Lulu had little choice

But to obey that growling voice

Which meant that she passed Gary’s test

To see if she would acquiesce

In feeding him when Tom would not

(and he thought she was super-hot).

That gluton Gaz quickly spoke out,

“Listen Tom, forget your gout,

“That girl Lulu, she’s for keeps,

“Go buy a ring, before she leaps.”

And Tommy did as he was bid

And I, for one, am thrilled he did,

Because Lulu’s an awesome gal

And perfect as Tom’s lifelong pal

And understands she must forebear

To help him out with Gary’s care.

He, and we, must praise the Lord

That Tom has got Lulu on board

To support him in his battle

Against Gary’s constant prittle prattle

It’s a perfect ménage-a-trois,

Now go get Gary some fois gras…